Spoiler Free Movie Review: Star Wars-The Force Awakens: Banging my head against a wall

Directed by: J. J. Abrams
Written by: Lawrence Kasdan, J. J. Abrams & Michael Arndt
Starring: Daisy Ridley, John Boyega, Adam Driver & Harrison Ford
Distributed by: Walt Disney
Release Date: 14th December 2015


Sometimes, no scratch that. I’ll start again.

Most of the time I feel like I am living in a parallel reality. I’m here, but not really here, if you know what I mean. I walk around you, but I’m not really a part of you. I’m outside, a bit off, a bit odd, watch out for me. I’m the strange one.

A very weak villain

Being the (accidentally) strange person that I am, I get to be the sole, lonely witness to things that ‘normal’ people cannot see. But, and here’s the worse bit. I refuse to keep my delusional visions to myself. I go onto the Internet, and here I am now, and I spew my bile everywhere. I’m a terrible person. I really am.

I’m an eternally loud mouthed, unpopular and opinionated person, and I spend my life shouting about the things that only I can see. It’s a frustrating life. I point out what is in front of me, things that are invisible to almost everybody else on the planet (there are exceptions) and in doing so I become the bad guy. I’m the villain. Stick a helmet on me and call me Darth, but there’s no redemption scene for this guy.

Why can’t I just go along to get along? Why can’t I stick my head in the horse manure and pretend that I’m sniffing roses? I don’t know. There must be something wrong with me. I’m weird. I’m dangerous. I say things that people don’t want to hear, and so, once again, here I go, saying things about the new bloody Star Wars movie. It’s very likely that you are going to hate this review, so read with caution. Here I go again- RANT TIME.

Here’s how I felt as I left the cinema after sitting through the seeming eternity that is the new Star Wars movie. My ass was sore, my head hurt with the inanity of it, I was still struggling to detect some semblance of plot, and feminism was pouring out of my ears. I felt a stinging desire to scream, 'I’ve just witnessed the birth of a turd, don’t call a nurse, call a bloody plumber.’ And then I tune down, out of my own reality, back into the realm of ‘the norm’ and I listen to the voices of the people around me, the other cinema-goers, and horror to end all horrors, they bloody well loved it.

Agggghhh, my head is going to implode.

Here’s how the movie goes, and there will be NO SPOILERS here. It begins with a burst of optimism, fast paced action stuff, and excitement, excitement, excitement. It then settles down and you begin to realise that this is going to be a movie all about the feelings, the characters, a dollop of nostalgia and the not so subtle neoliberal bludgeoning of third wave feminism.

It's all about the girl..

Have you seen the Hunger Games? If so, you know how it goes. The young girl is the most important part of the movie, she’s tough, independent, brave, strong, MASCULINE, the future of humanity, blah, blah, blah. In this movie the young girl is the best mechanic, the best pilot, the best fighter, the best light sabre fighter (even though she has no training) and she generally makes all of the men look like fools as she dances circles around them.

The villain looks great, but is basically a wuss. His motivations for evil are skin deep, and he seems to exist purely as a punching bag for the female lead. That’s it. That’s all you are getting as far as character depth in this movie. All of the rest of them (Han Solo included) exist to serve the main protagonist, the Hunger Games perfect girl.

As for the plot, there is no plot. It’s cobbled together, parts of the first (good) movie and a bit of a search for Spock thing going on that they almost forget about until the very end. The special effects look like they cost a lot of money, and the soundtrack likewise, but when you search for the heart of the movie you’ll come up with nothing, because it has no heart. It has nothing to say about the world of 2015, and worst of all, it’s not even trying to.

So what is it trying to do? It’s trying for nostalgia, humour, and excitement, fun and umm, more nostalgia I guess. It has some amusing moments. The cinemagoers laugh at the bits that they are supposed to laugh at, and it’s very loud and has lots of explosions. But if you dare look deeper (as many will refuse to do) what you will find is a lack of ideas, and a lack of connection to post 9/11 concerns.

...and nostalgia.

The villains look like Nazi’s. They line up like they are at Nuremberg rally in 1935 where they listen to the crazed ranting speech of their authoritarian leader. But this is not real world contemporary evil. There is no discernible ideology behind the evil that they do. They are evil because they are ‘the dark-side.’ That’s as deep as things get. They are cartoon evil, distanced from all of the contemporary concerns (neoliberalism, multiculturalism, tolerance, diversity, political correctness, statism, the rise of the social justice clown, endless foreign wars based on lies, enslavement to private banks, immigration and Sunni Islam) that plague our real world.

Look at that bracketed list. These are the issues that need to be addressed in the world of 2015. Will you see any of them being addressed in this movie? No, because it is a movie for juvenile adults that still want to be kids, and bringing any of that reality into their movie would make them feel uncomfortable, so out it goes. There will be no reality here. This movie is ‘awesome,’ it’s Star Wars.

They look cool, but their role is limited.

The counter arguments to this review will be that is was fun, exciting, entertaining, funny, for children, and there was a ‘cool’ moment that was a bit shocking, and upsetting. I found ‘the moment’ to fall flat, mainly because I was expecting it to happen, and secondly because by the point in the movie when it did take place, I had long lost interest in anything that was happening. I will give the movie credit though. It was a big safe blockbuster movie. It will make lots of money for Disney. Most people will love it, and I recognise that I am certainly not ‘most people.’ It wasn’t made for me. I can sod off. That’s fair. I accept that.

Let’s finish off this review before I waste any more brain cells on it. Perhaps the worst thing that I can say about it is that is has KILLED any remaining interest that I had in the Star Wars franchise. I loved Star Wars as a kid, but I guess I’m not a kid anymore, so it’s gone for me now. There will be another movie, and I will not be watching.

What else is there to say? A lot of people will love this stinky egg of a movie, and they will suck in its toxic vapours until they are puking all over the floor in delirious delight. As for me, I’ll be walking around the vomit, avoiding the puking fanboys and retreating back into my own safe space called reality. Goodbye Star Wars. Thanks for the memories, but I’m all grown-up now.


Rating: 4/10 (Starts strong, settles into a comfortable Space-Nazi, one-liners, explosions, jokes, nostalgic routine, becomes all about the perfect female lead, loses all semblance of plot and concludes with a familiar bang, and a nostalgic plea to watch the next movie.)

Comic review: Journey to Star Wars- The Force Awakens-Shattered Empire #1- Identity Politics Golem

Writer: Greg Rucka
Artist: Marco Checchetto
Publisher: Marvel (Disney)
Released: 9th September 2015



Journey to Star Wars: The Force Awakens-Shattered Empire #1 is the most underwhelming ‘Star Wars’ book that I’ve ever read.

The story starts at the end of the final battle in Return of the Jedi, and the main focus is a staple of mainstream comic books today, the pretty, young, empowered, female. The story unfolds from her point of view as she flies around shooting assorted villains before assisting Luke Skywalker in his escape from the soon to be exploding Death Star.

I don't remember that in the movie, but oh well, what can you do? As our society collapses and real freedoms diminish I guess it's all going to be about cultural marxism and identity politics now.

Who wrote this book? Let’s have a look, ha, it’s Mr Greg Rucka, he can always be relied upon to put out a good PC girl-power unit shifter. I’ve read so much of his stuff over the years, and it’s about as memorable as a mid-card WWE story line. (Note: The WWE cannot do stories, at all, they are terrible, really, really bad).

Greg Rucka is one of those names that you remember, but you can never quite recollect what book he wrote. He writes a lot, but what has he ever done that is actually good, or memorable? Was it Punisher? Could be. I stopped reading that one months ago.

Anyway, back to this utterly underwhelming book. This female warrior girl shoots up some villains, kisses her boyfriend, has a brief chat with Luke, and Han Solo, then goes back out on a ‘mop-up’ mission to kill some imperial soldiers that were left over from the main battle. That’s it, that’s all you are getting, thanks for buying the book, suckers.

Why the Darth helmet would I want to buy issue #2 of this series. Come on, somebody give me a reason, because I don’t get it. Am I supposed to like the girl warrior because she is pretty? Come on, there has to be more to it than that, because as far as her personality goes, she’s as generic as you can possibly get. 

I understand what Greg is doing here. I get it. He’s trying to write a ‘strong’ female character, the kind of character that is ten a penny in DC and Marvel comics in 2015.

Want a career in mainstream comic books? You better get writing about strong, independent (i.e. working for the government) pretty young females then. Give your ‘progressive’ character a military uniform or a wacky haircut and nose-ring, show her beating up some random men (preferably white sexist/racists) and you’re flying.

Am I being unfair here? Buy a comic book, any comic book, and judge for yourself. Strong, independent female characters (in other words, women acting like overly masculine men) are as ubiquitous as lies in mainstream television news broadcast these days. Every other comic book features an empowered female. It’s not ‘brave’ or ‘new’ or ‘edgy’ or ‘rebellious.’ It’s easy, boring, predictable and lame. Comic book writers are largely singing from the same song sheet here, and it’s getting really, really boring now.

What you are getting in Star Wars- Shattered Empire #1 is a comic book Golem, a character that is more about being a female than she is about being an interesting or engaging personality in her own right. She moves with purpose, yet has no semblance of life about her, at all. I don’t care about this Golem girl, not because she’s a girl, but because she is a two dimensional, generic character that has no memorable features, quirks or personality attributes. She’s clay, she’s not real, she’s a Rucka inspired Golem.

You can’t just put a girl in a role that men would usually occupy and expect people to care. I’m not obsessed with identity politics, so I need a bit of character, a bit of personality, a bit of life. Oh Greg, you’ve done it again. You’ve produced another unit shifter of a book. I’ve read it, reviewed it, and now I’m starting to forget about it already. Greg, I know you want to write about empowered girls, but please put a bit of personality into the next one that you launch onto the comic book reading public. It’s not enough that she’s a girl, I need a bit more than that.



Rating: 3/10 (Move on, there’s nothing to see here)