Comic book review: Criminal Macabre- The Third Child #1: Not for the young and messed up

Writer: Steve Niles
Artist: Christopher Mitten
Colourist: Michelle Madsen
Publisher: Dark Horse Comics
Released: 17th September 2014


The main protagonist of Criminal Macabre is a ‘Pill popping, alcoholic degenerate’ by the name of Cal McDonald. He has great hair, looks like a movie star, has a glass of whiskey in one had, a gun in the other, a cigarette perpetually dangling from his mouth and an air of super cool alienation and dissatisfaction with everything and everyone around him. In other words, he’s the kind of twit that can act as a dangerous role model for a lot of lost and lonely young men out there.

You know the kind of young man that has no direction in his life? The kind of man who cannot find his place, so he dives into books and sees a weird outsider like himself, but this outsider is cool, really cool, dark and interesting. This fictional character might be sick and alienated, just like the lost young man, but he’s really, really cool, and that’s what the young man wants to be. He wants to be cool, dark and interesting, not just messed up, lonely and bored. Looking for a role model he can identify with, he’ll find one here.

You can probably guess why I’m saying this, right?  I used to be the lost young man that I’m referring to here, and putting myself back into my old shoes of self imposed isolation and misery I can see myself getting a kick out of the character of Cal McDonald. That’s not to say that I would try to act like him, that I’d try to dress like him, try to talk like him. No, that would be too obvious. I was pretty stupid, but not that stupid. On a subconscious level I would more than likely identify with the character. See, I would say to myself. Just because you are a mess it doesn’t mean that you can’t be cool. The character is probably taking it even further than that. On one level he’s telling readers that the way to be cool and interesting is to be completely messed up. That’s bullshit. It’s a really, really terrible message to be putting out there into the world. Here’s a revelation.

THERE IS NO ‘COOL’ IN BEING A MESS.

Is the Cal McDonald character dangerous to young male readers? He kind of is you know. He doesn’t encourage you to change. He encourages you to wallow in your alienation and misery. Drink another drink, smoke another cancer stick, it’s cool you know? I’ll tell you what. I’ll let Cal McDonald explain himself in his own words:

“I’ll do what I want and when I want. Got it?”

“Why don’t you get off my back?”

“No, don’t touch me.”

"Is this an intervention?”

He sounds like a pretty messed up young man, doesn’t he? He sounds like a man with problems, with people trying to help him out, but he’s fighting against the help and fighting against his own self hate. Again, it’s very cool, very teenager, very young man, and it’s very stupid.

If you are an unhappy, messed-up, alienated young man, then don’t buy this book. You might enjoy it, but it won’t be doing you any good. You’ll probably end up identifying with the Cal character, and he’s not the kind of person that you want to be identifying with. He’ll end up giving you the deceptive belief that being messed up makes you interesting. That’s not how reality works. Being messed up does not make you interesting. It makes you sad, and pitiful and very, very lonely. And don’t kid yourself that girls have some kind of weird fetish for messed up, ‘dark’ and introspective personalities. They don’t.

Having got that monkey off my back I want to say a few nice things about the book as well, because it is not a bad book. The Cal character is funny, engaging and likeable. He’s the narrator, and when he talks it’s like he’s a best buddy talking directly to you. The book follows Cal and his buddies as they save the world from weird monsters whilst Cal looks super dashing and tormented in his long black trench-coat, with his designer stubble, spiky haircut and dangling cigarette. The story is simple, and Cal is cool. He is dangerously cool, but I’ve already discussed that.

I know I don’t always talk a lot about the art in my reviews, but that’s because I’m not an artist. I don’t want to give you a misinformed, uneducated view, so I keep it short and just tell you whether or not I liked it. What did I think about the art in this book? I liked it. The narrative is set at night and the colours along with the frenetic, almost casually unfinished style of pencilling works very well to create a super cool atmosphere perfectly in keeping with the Cal character. I enjoy art when it gets a bit rough, wild and wonky, and that style is perfect for this book.

Get this book if you want a brief splash of silly sick cool in your life, but don’t get it if you are a messed up young man. If you are, and if you are still under the misapprehension that being fucked up is going to make you appear to be cool and interesting then I wouldn’t bother with this one. Get something that celebrates health, not illness. Get something like Conan the Barbarian, a book that celebrates masculine pride and strength and getting your arse off of the couch and doing something with your life other than moping around feeling sorry for yourself.

‘Criminal Macabre: The Third Child’ is a book with a messed up protagonist that tells you that illness and disease is super cool. It’s a book that tells you that alcoholism and alienation is something to aspire to. The book is a liar. It’s not cool to be messed up, it kind of sucks, actually it sucks a lot. Look at the shaky old man who drinks by himself in the pub during the day as happy young families enjoy a lunch-break around him. That is the reality behind Cal McDonald, and it’s about as far from cool and interesting as you can possibly imagine. I did like the book though, dangerous as it is. The art is very stylish, the colouring is very nice and the dialogue is a lot of fun as well. Buy it, but only if you have successfully passed the messed up young man stage of your life.

Rating: 7/10